The Funeral of A Vampire

Before his funeral he gave clear instructions, ‘When I die burry my body far away from my next door neighbour and when you bury me let my head face where the sun is setting.’ Everyone around him nodded. He told everyone he would die on Wednesday afternoon and that before his death there would be two bulls fighting, one would be wounded to death the other one would survive. Nobody believed what Taulo Gomani said. Taulo Gomani in his mid-sixties was a joker and people could not buy his jokes anymore. When he heard the sound of an ambulance he knew the doctor had just arrived. Well the doctor arrived, he examined Gomani’s chest, listened to his heart beat and soon after it was proclaimed, ‘You are well, alive and kicking. I don’t understand why you called the ambulance.’ ‘Doctor, I am going to die on Wednesday. I told them not to call the ambulance but my friend. I also don’t understand why they called you.’ Gomani yawned. But when his mouth was wide open the doctor saw a long tooth like iron steel, it was the longest tooth he had ever seen in his life. ‘Mr Gomani, how many of these long teeth do you have?’ ‘Actually I was born with forty two teeth.’ Gomani gestured to the doctor to look into his mouth. The doctor counted one tooth at a time and when he finished counting there were forty two teeth. Doctor Elvin from Ekwendeni Hospital shook his head not believing what he saw, ‘surely you need a dentist.’ ‘I have been to many dentists but none has managed to help my situation.’ Gomani said. ‘I will make a referral for you to go to the biggest hospital regarding your teeth.’ Dr Elvin was more sympathetic. But Gomani smiled, ‘No thanks, doctor, don’t trouble yourself. I have grown up with these teeth without any problem. Am told there are only three people born with this situation in a thousand years. I feel so lucky to have them.’ Dr Elvis was about to go and he decided to shake Gomani’s hand. He held his hand for a moment and at that point he felt it in his palm as if there was an electric current, he only felt normal when he pulled his hand away from Gomani. Dr Elvin left sooner than he came. Wednesday came nothing happened. The morning was as usual bright with sunshine licking the banks of Rukuru River. All day people made fun about how Gomani lied about his death. They saw him walking, strolling along the streets and they all waved at him. At lunch time Gomani ate lunch and went for a nap. It was a deep nap and he dreamt that the bulls were fighting. When he woke up people had gathered all around his house. He looked up, ‘what is this?’ ‘Well the bulls fought as you said.’ The crowd yelled. ‘Therefore it means am dead.’ Gomani said but when he wanted to sit down he fell accidentally and suddenly the crowd witnessed him rolling on the floor and breathing his last one. At the burial people ignored his wish. They buried Gomani near his next door neighbour and his head faced the east instead of the west where the sun sets. It didn’t last a week before strange things began to happen. In the morning of November people walked to their fields to farm but along the way back when it was a little bit dark they saw a large bird like the size of a man just next to the borehole. Everyone ran fast home leaving hoes and tools behind. One day three young people came harvesting fruits, they passed near the grave where Gomani was buried. They walked quietly in respect of the dead. Suddenly they heard a sound of footsteps coming from behind. The boys started running. They ran and panted until they heard nothing but when they looked back it appeared they had not gone any further from the graveyards. They suddenly heard,’ I am not happy here where you buried me next to my neighbour. Go and tell them.’ The boys were terrified at the voice from the graveyards, they ran faster with a speed of an antelope fleeing a lion and the sound of their heels thumping the soil was the only sound at night . The boys ran faster and until they reached home. When they told elders the following morning about the voice they heard from the graveyards no one believed them. One day there was a wedding. People saw a man dressed like Gomani in safari suit. People thought he was a distant relative of the family having a wedding. People tried to greet him. The man did not respond but later on disappeared when the crowd were pointing at him. Later on that day when everyone was dancing that Gomani lookalike arrived in the hall, he started dancing but when he smiled the long teeth like iron steel came out. He whispered into the ears of one guest, ‘Am not gone yet. I have come back to settle down the dispute with my neighbour.’ Then he disappeared.

An Old Man Who Danced at His Son's Funeral

At the funeral one old man opened a cane of Fanta and told everyone to take a sip. After a while he asked people around the funeral, ' I am looking for the best music so that I can dance, anyone with latest songs here?' People found his behaviours much unwelcome and not sympathetic to the situation. “It is very shocking to see someone not showing any sign of tears, we have come from far away in the capital city to mourn our beloved friend and coleague but this man has no respect for the funeral,”a gentleman from Lilongwe said to his friends who arrived with the body for burial the previous night. When time for announcements came it was discovered that the old man who behaved strangely was actually the father of the deceased man. He was given an opportunity to speak and he looked around then danced a little bit shaking his leg . People shook heads left and right and some sneezed with fury at what they saw. Some concluded the old man was a witch if not insane. The old man smiled and said, “I had four children and this one you are burying today is the last one for three of them died together in a car accident last year, but who am I to question God why I have lost my most precious assets, the children I had? This tragedy has taught me that in life cerebrations should not only be restricted to birthdays but I have learnt to celebrate the days, the years and the lives of my four children that are no more with me. Every year I take a long walk to the graveyards here and I say the following thanks to my God: Thank you God. You gave me children then took them away. To make me strong and understand life belongs to you. You gave me a family but when you realised I had enjoyed living with them , you decided to take them to where they need you most. This is because, you are training me , so I can help others understand that God’s family is best. When I asked for Wisdom, you gave me Problems to train me to be a problem solver. When I asked for happiness, you gave tragedies to train me to make others happy. For only those who have once cried understand the value of happiness.” The crowd shed tears except for the old man who told everyone, ‘You can cry and cry but my children and my family would be happy if you celebrate their lives than crying our loss.’ One man stood up and protested, ‘It’s part of our culture to cry and we expect you to shed tears.’ The old man danced above the graveyard and shouted, ‘tears are there not to moisten our cheeks but to remind us that there is something we can do to change our situation, in life those who cry persistently without a solution are the worst sufferers because they cannot handle it. I cried for one minute then I told my heart, I don’t want another heart attack which nearly killed me after I lost my nephew, today, I told my heart I will do the opposite, cerebrate their lives.” Eventually the whole crowd sang songs of joy cerebrating life and death of their beloved ones.

The Sign of True Love According to Antelopes

Two antelopes who were very much in love asked each other , " How can we prove that we are in love ." They debated about the things they did for one another . The male antelope told his wife , " Remember , when the lion was approaching , I alerted you to run and because of my actions we managed to flee to safety lands ." But the female antelope argued , " My dearest darling , what you did that day to alert me about danger was good but if I have to be honest , I could also do the same to you , that is not a proof of love " The male antelope questioned his spouse , " Do you really think you love me more than I do ? " The female antelope leaped up and down then raised its leg and shook its head up and down , " I not only think but I feel I do love you more than you do love me. " The male antelope said , " That's not correct dear,remember I am the boss of love , the oasis of love and I breathe love for you , right now my whole body and soul together think of the greater love I have for you ." The debate between the male and female antelope went all day and nobody seemed to have won . So the two antelopes agreed to how to prove who loves best than another , " The antelope who loves another more than the other will be the first one to come here in the jungle ." They both agreed and went to sleep . Early at dawn the male antelope ran to the jungle . It wanted to be the first to arrive . Because he slept in a different location from his spouse he was sure the female antelope was still sleeping and by the time she gets there she would find he was already there smiling holding flowers in between his teeth . When the male antelope arrived in the jungle , it saw nobody there . It sat under a shrub smiling and telling itself , " I have proved I love her more than she does ." The male antelope waited for an hour there was no sign of his wife . It waited for another three hours the wife was not seen . This alerted his mind , " It means the female antelope was not serious . I have loved her all the way but she decided to stay home despite the arrangement to have a competition who loves more than another ." After waiting all day the male antelope was frustrated and it spit the flower from its teeth and cursed the female antelope in a very angry tone . It walked home angrily and with great bitterness . As it passed an acacia tree its eyes met something that made it stop walking and look closer. There was blood on the soil and below the tree there were pieces of the skin . The male antelope walked closer it saw writing on the soil , " Dear darling , since we argued about who loves another most yesterday , I didn't go home . I have tied myself to a tree so that when you come you will see me already here. Just incase I die of coldness or am attacked by carnivorous beasts , just know I was here since last night . I.love you ." The male antelope wept .

Are Boys From A Different World ?

When I was at primary school I told my mates I would never do things like fetch water, cook, wash clothes or fetch firewood because that is for girls. My grandmother heard me boasting so she waited for the right moment to teach me a lesson.She kept on saying that, 'I will teach you a lesson one day that boys are not from a different world as you think.' I challenged her, ' Never ! I can never be doing house chores, firewwood is for ladies but us boys our job is to hunt and bring meat home. We are different you see? ' I dipped my hands into my pockets of short trouser with two patches at the back gigling . Weeks passed, months passed and nothing happened and I was very sure the arguement whether boys can fetch water or firewood was won and I was sure my grandmother lost that arguement . But day when about nine years old my cheeks were swollen as a result of the toothache. My grandmother told me she was convinced this was not toothache but a rare condition that only targeted boys called, 'katukutuku'. She said, ' for you to be better, go and fetch firewood, run with a bundle of firewood on your head singing katukutu kora basungwana banyamata vinthu vyawaka / tell the condition to target girls because boys are useless.' I went to fetch firewood in the mountain as instructed and ran with a bundle of fire wood on my head , girls laughing their lungs out thinking i had gone crazy but because the instructions said when am singing this song i should never look back or stare at anyone , I couldn’t bother to look at who was watching me. I ran fast towards the junction singing and I dropped the bundle of firewood at the cross roads as instructed. When I reached home the fever was gone but I didn’t remember that in the morning before going to the mountain I swallowed pain killers to ease pain . All I thought was the running and fetching of firewood is great medicine for toothache. I totally believed that there was some medicine in the song and the dropping of firewood at the cross roads until one day my grandma laughed at me and said, ' All that was to make you exercise, a little bit because you were making yourself worse just sleeping on a mat and I wanted you to do some work for your mother like fetching firewood and the moment you dropped that bundle of firewood, your mum was waiting nearby and she picked it. So from now on don’t say because you are a boy you cannot do this and that , just fetch water and firewood for your mother.’

The Murder of A Fiancee

The moment she told him she was pregnant he laughed with a choking voice at the end . The girl loved this and liked this , if his laughing was a Facebook status update she would have ticked like it and she would have commented I love it . What she did not know was what was inside that laughter . What she did not understand was the bitterness hidden in that laughter , the anger boiling like an oven inside the choking laughter . Well he told her to come in the evening for a chat . He told her , " Honey , come please I want to touch that belly and I want to have a feel of my baby inside your womb ." She did not wait to think about it , " I am coming straight away , I love you darling ." She ended the call with a wild long kiss overhead by passersby making everyone envious . Passersby listened to the sound of her kiss on the phone and admired marvelously, a couple told each other , " we wish our love was like that ." Well , Naomi was in love with him , deeply in love and much deeper than the Indian oncean but she did not know that Stanley had other plans . The pregnancy news reached his ears as an electric shock and the fact that he told her he was not married it means Naomi was already spreading the news faster about her pregnancy. Blantyre was too small and sooner and sooner his wife would come accross the news and then the trouble would start. Although Stanley regarded himself as a serial cheater , he wouldn't bear the thought of losing his wife just because of an affair and just because of the pregnancy he was never thinking about . He wouldn't bear the embarrassment right from his family , his church and his friends that he lost his wife because he made a certain so and so pregnant . Stanley vowed to do everything he could and he swore under the sun that he had no choice but to do something. Well when Naomi arrived at the apartment which he used to rent secretly , he hugged her then gave her a long and passionate kiss . " Honey I didn't want to tell you , am five months pregnant . I went for scan but your baby is normal and I can't wait to give birth ." Stanley looked away and said , " Naomi , I think we are rushing things here . I told you I wanted the holy wedding first then we can have kids ." This came as a shot to Naomi , of all these months she had been dating Stanley there has never been a moment when he has been as negative as now . She was tight lipped hoping they should restart their conversation . Stanley touched her shoulders , " The lord said we should get married first , so abort this baby ." Naomi threw the cup of tea that was in her hands , " Oh yes , now you say holy holy holy . When you were pressuring me to sleep with you , when you said you would leave me if I didn't sleep with you was it the lord saying this to you ? " Stanley laughed sarcastically for seconds watching Naomi as if she was a comedian making him laugh . He said , " By the way dear, all you and me did was bad , we didn't need to sleep together . I repented my sins and I urge you to abort and start afresh." Naomi knew that she dated a wrong man . A man who sounded sweet when he wanted to have what he wanted but now he has chewed whatever he wanted and its time to spit the dummy . She rose up and started crying. She walked away from the living room and clasped her hands , " Thank you for everything . Just know I will keep this baby whatever the situation." He blocked the exit door and spoke in a raging voice , " You have no authority to keep that child .' Naomi shrugged her shoulders looking away He raged again , " Do you hear me , you cannot keep the pregnancy against my will , I am the father telling you to abort it ." Naomi spat on his face , " You idiot , this baby is inside me , I will keep her as much as she is inside my womb ." She started walking , he followed her with raging words of insults . She ran towards the third door on the left , he chased her . He screamed behind her , " I will deal with you ." When she reached the door she held the key , she twisted the key left and then pulled the door knob down , she felt a sigh of relief , she just wanted to go home her leg was now outside the door . She couldn't bear this man anymore . Just as she tried to shut the door on his face she felt a firm grab on her shoulders them heavy hands pulling her backwards , pulling her back into the house . She fought and screamed , " Leave me alone, " but who could hear her in the middle of the night . After all , his right hand covered her mouth . When inside the house the ordeal began . He tied her legs , her hands and covered her face , he didn't want her to flee anymore . She begged him , " Stanley , please am sorry . Ok I will abort this child , please don't hurt me." But what she said was too late , the fist had already landed on her chin . She wanted to stand up to him but her legs were tied like a lamb . Then another fist came and then they were raining everywhere on her body. She wanted to tell him he should mind the baby , she wanted to stop him hurting the baby but her voice turned into a groan , her eyes saw many stars . She heard and felt the knife going into her womb and the pain made her choke and gasp for breaths , blood was everywhere . The kicking continued and she now reached a point where she no longer felt pain . Her face swollen but her lips smiling at the thought of giving birth but her soul was swallowed into darkness . In the middle of the night her body was burried in the garden with flowers planted on top . He watered the flowers . By the time she was reported missing , he had fled the country .

The Men's Talk and Fears

I telephoned a friend of mine yesterday in Maputo and we spent about half an hour on the phone reminding each other the great goody times we had together in Mozambique . He told me he has now been promoted to the position of Chief Executive and there are about two hundred people working under him . He told me he has bought the happiest car of his life the Mercedes Benz and that he is now enjoying the best of his life . I met Cardoso when we were both boys with wild ideas how to make things work in life . Cardoso by then was a student at University of Mundlane in Maputo but he told me.one thing , " You see Snr Lungu , I have befriended you for a purpose , I want you to teach me English . If you can do that then my life is sorted ." I also said this to him , " Amigo Cardoso , teach me Portuguese and then my life is sorted ." After three months either of us was good at the respective languages we desired to learn . When I left the country we remained in touch and although its more than ten years my Portuguese is good enough to speak and express myself. Cardoso on the phone last night told me how well he is doing and I congratulated him but before I finished what I was saying he said , " Amigo Snr Lungu , if you can just do me.one thing then my life is sorted , only one final thing my friend ." I tried to guess what is it ? I couldn't come up with anything. He said , " Amigo , although I said life is good , things are bad here. I have been given a notice ." " A notice for what Cardoso ? " I feared now this was leading to money matters . I feared he was going to ask me for money which I was preparing to say sorry I have nothing . " I have been given a notice to quit my job . Am afraid I won't handle this ." Cardoso said . I spoke in my light Portuguese tone , " Olha amigo , O Deus conhecido o teu caminho / God knows better about your journey ." Cardoso took no time to respond , " Amigo , I know that , what I am dreading is the notice says I will move from being employed to own my own company that will be contracting government and non government organisations ." " So what help do you need from me ? ' He said , " I want you to advise me how to be a better man and how to make this company successful, I will put your name as one board member , as director and as my own family ." " Alright , this is my advice , first sell the Mercedes Benz , buy a corrolla , second , get out of your expensive mansion , put in on rent , move to an average house , third , enroll for an accounting course to know how to guard your money and lastly go and pray for guidance ." I said to Cardoso . There was silence on the phone . I said hello , he was very quiet thinking . After a few seconds Cardoso cleared his throat and said , " This is the hardest thing to do amigo , my Mercedes is my life , everyone knows am so and so once they see my Mercedes passing , not only that , I have a certain upper status in my community because of the Mercedes ." " But do you know how much it is costing you to fix it ? How much are you prepared to take out of your business to maintain an expensive car ? " I asked . Cardoso could not decide . He said he will think about this . I plan to call him this evening after work and follow what we discuss .

The Love Story of Two Illiterate Lovers Who Made Everyone Laugh

Growing up in a village was fun, we had our own ways of feeling entertained and sometimes we followed where the drama was unfolding. One day my distant uncle sat on the veranda and told us, ' You know what boys, when I speak English my wife does not understand me.' The wife who was cooking stopped everything and interjected , ' Iwe Gonapamuchenga utesi, dont deceive my boys here, in fact am better than you because you dropped off from school at standard four , at least I dropped off at standard five.' The two wanted to prove to us which of them was better at English, so my uncle agreed that he would say something and his wife Nyamuzota would tell everyone the meaning. My uncle started, ' Iwe Nyamuzota, muwoli wane.' Nyamuzota, ' Ine dada.' My uncle Gonapamuchenga: ' I am bloody flabbergasted.' Nyamuzota : 'Pala ukuninena nina ndopa mu basket, nawe zako ! / if you are saying i have blood in baskets , your blood is there too !' Gonapamuchenga: ' Mwamupulika Nyamuzota !' Nyamuzota: ok, you interpret this, ' Am too dear for you.' Gonapamuchenga : Walemba kalata wati deary darling.' Nyamuzota: Hedeeeeee Gonapamuchenga wachita mutu zweee with my english We normally had such stories after dinner